Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."

   When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   You laugh because I'm different... I laugh because you're all the same.

   I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do on online.

   I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?

   “Hey. What do I do again?” -- Me greeting my boss every Monday morning.

   That truck driver just double bogeyed that par 2 parking spot.

   No, I don't want to "Like" your business on Facebook. I barely "Like" you.

   I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

   Adorable idea... Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   Sober is the new BUZZ!!

   My grocery cart right now says, "I'm getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!" And also. "I like fruit."

   "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" "Yes you are, I appreciate your apology."

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   Have time to kill but not necessarily going to kill in that time.