Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   don't take to heart anything I say. My opinions are just that...MY opinions. Nothing I say can be set in stone, besides I don't even own a chisel.

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

   Just spent several minutes looking at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. Now I'm going to cure cancer...

   A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. Abraham Lincoln

   It would be amazing if hyenas could watch a bunch of '80's films and start to employ the slow clap when being particularly derisive...

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   David Hasselhoff's liver is soo shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to the side of it, you can hear it going: ‘What you talkin' about Willis?"

   Cats have nine lives...which makes them perfect for experimenting on...

   I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late"

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   can you make a caption that I can actually read ?

   Imagination is intelligence having fun.

   PERVERT: something we all are, but are too afraid to admit!

   "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we" George Dubya Bush

   Brett Favre came out of his hole and didn't see his shadow. That means only 5 more weeks until football starts.