Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you, don't kiss an a$$ if it's in the process of $hitting on you

   Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   I remember the day like it was yesterday when I realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

   Cool slogan for the new Facebook movie: "See it with someone you never talked to in high school."

   What is a girlfriend?? Addition of problems. Subtraction of money. Multiplication of enemies. Division of friends.

   True love is me texting you back before I die on call of duty instead of after

   Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a Honda Accord

   when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.

   I have a friend who's a homicide detective. His business card says, "Our day begins, when yours ends."

   ♫ This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for updating, inviting, posting, laughing, flirting, whining, arguing, venting, complaining, fighting, this is for fun. ♫

   not a California girl but is still unforgettable .

   Tonya Harding is preggo and getting married. Break out the banjo's, it's anouther white trash wedding!

   going to get married. So what if it is a cardboard cut-out.....don't judge me!

   Dear 5 Hour Energy, What in the HELL is your idea of this flavor you call "berry?" Dingle?!

   You know you're ugly when you can't even get poked on facebook

   I'd tap that...Haha....kidding I wouldn't even poke that on Facebook.

   If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.