Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything You Have Ever Asked God For Is In Your Environment, Merely Awaiting Your Recognition Of It.

   80% of the boys have girlfriend, rest 20% are having brain

   Warning: Weeding another man's garden will eventually get you plowed!!!

   Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to Facebook right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further internet absences.Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being.

   I don't mind running into debt. It's running into my creditors that's embarrassing.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   cop pulled me over and was out of tickets, happiest day in my life

   mexico would help America with the war in Iraq, if only they could hitch a ride

   he who sleeps on the floor will never fall off the bed

   The first guy to blow a vuvuzela at an NFL game will be getting his a$$ kicked.

   does every dollar store smell weired and stuffy or its just me?

   my girlfriend called me a useless druggie today. I almost fell off my unicorn.

   you know your old when you teabag the toilet water.

   this salad would really benefit from more bacon and less of this green stuff.

   women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   After a some thought, I am thinking I would LOVE to hear a phone taped conversation between Rod Blagojevich and Mel Gibson!

   with out ME, you're just AWESO

   You're either NEXUS or you're against us!

   A great way to start my day, I got a speeding ticket on my way to work & got written up for getting late...

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.