Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants you to know... Suck all you want, He will make more.

   once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

   Hopes he doesnt black out, cause this is awesome!

   got a phone call from the credit card company this morning, telling me that I have "outstanding payments". I said "Why, thank you very much!".

   ‎~ Lindsay Lohan staggered into court. The judge explained, "Ms Lohan, you've been brought here for drinking", to which Lindsay replied, "Great! When do we get started?!".

   keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   is kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   ~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for sniffing cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   A traveling medical marijuana clinic was forced to shut down. The driver kept stopping at every McDonalds.

   doesnt get drunk, he gets awesome

   If I was a college professor, I would give bad grades to the girls I wanted to screw. I'm sure 90% of them would prostitute in exchange for an "A"

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

   Now over to world news: Good evening, the UN declared that they will be sending relief aid to Haiti in hopes that the victims of the...Oh..hang on.. this just coming in on the news wire..Lindsay Lohan was taken into custody today for probation violation..

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

   I'm doing what I've always done... Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

   Reggie Bush is losing his Heisman Trophy.....there is justice in this world.

   now that were all out of the car, I'm just gonna tell everybody since I have to go to the bathroom now. That when everybody thought that it was a dead skunk on the road,.. that's not what it was."