Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sending more mixed signals than a dyslexic, third-base coach.

   just got barred from Bunnings. This arrogant prick in a red apron in the timber aisle just asked me if I wanted decking. Lucky I got the first punch in!

   loves a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror.

   If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

   if someone sends me one more Farmville invite, I will banish your animals to a galaxy far, far away and set fire to your crops.

   How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   contemplating becoming schizophrenic, but is in two minds about it.

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   kinda likes ceilings. Maybe I'll become a fan.

   taking a leak of faith..after this 2 and a half hr movie - Inception..

   going to name her next pet Peeve.

   thinks the biggest similarity between a Gynaecologist and a Pizza delivery boy is that they both can smell what's in the box.. however they can't sample it!!

   If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.

   Ever see a flower poking up through a crack in the sidewalk? The crack represents the troubles in your life, the flower is the possibilities.

   dancing on a table. IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, BABY!!!!

   In an effort to boost sales, some stores are doing a "Christmas in July" completes with holiday music, decorations and sales. Nothing will put you in a buying/holiday/festive mood like Santa in a speedo.

   WOW did you ever really look at the word "manslaughter"? Mans Laughter, that's just sick... LOL

   Error: Facebook status removed due to awesomeness overload

   I finally figured out what the red and blue lights mean on an RCMP cruiser, so they know which side to get in on

   remember the police are sort of like dogs, they usually don't chase you unless you run.