Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   ‎~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   officially erasing all BOYS from her contacts!

   If you can't beat them, then you didn't swing hard enough the first time.

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you throw it precisely.

   went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but couldn't find any

   If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.... thats why I don't talk to you =P

   used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

   Police discovered the body of a local cartoonist this morning. Details are a bit sketchy.

   ran over an old guy's guide dog today. Lucky for me there were no witnesses.

   approached a woman at a bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security!".

   My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

   thinks that a perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children

   The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

   Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil...and you'll never land a job working for a women's magazine.

   thinks that nutritional information should simply tell you the amount of exercise required to burn off whatever it is you're about to consume.

   thinks there's no substitute for research quite like making sh*t up.

   can't wait until Weight Watchers releases its own line of booze