Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't say something nice, we're probably related.

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   I wonder how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.