Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   making Holy Water by boiling the Hell out of it.

   wonders if real mafia dudes sit around playing "Boring-ass normal people wars"?

   I was late to work, and my boss told me I should've been at work by 8:30 this morning. I asked him "why? what happened then?"

   If I were to go to hell, it would take at least a week to realize I wasn't at work.

   Hey, whats a four letter term used to call a woman ending in "unt"?......the answer is "Aunt"

   Ellen DeGeneres finds it hard to judge people and hurt their feeling so she is leaving American Idol. Producers have put in a call to Mel Gibson.

   if I had a peso for every lame mafia wars update you posted this week, I could afford to put a real hit on your azz!

   I think I see a light through the tunnel...hope its my friends with a 2 million watt spotlight and not a train....

   yeah she was hot...til she opened up her mouth and the trailer fell out

   Im better at sex than anyone; now all I need is a partner.

   playing 'call of duty' on my laptop on the plane was a bad idea

   Do you ever look at girls' pictures on facebook and feel them up with your cursor??? --uhhh, either do i!

   Has come to the conclusion that the weekend is a man, it comes too quick then you don't hear from it for a week!!

   So, was Snooki taken to juvie??

   i like kids, but I dont think I could eat a whole one

   You looked good until you said something stupid!!!

   sent my mom a text asking if she wanted to get pedis today but iPhone auto corrected it to penis...awkward.

   if you have trouble tying knots...handcuffs make the perfect gift

   Due to the success of Toy story 3. BP are in talks to release, "Try Finding Nemo Now".