Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That O-line gives up more sacks than Jenna Jameson takes in the chin.

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   Theres too much blood in my caffeine system!!

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

   One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.

   Music has charms to soothe the savage breast ...... it can lift you higher then the sky , make you sad or even cry but what it does is it can make life worth living.....

   addicted to facebook! Ok, I admit I've got a problem. So here's what I'm going to do abou.. ah, new message...

   Paris Hilton arrested for Cocaine possession.In other shocking news - Earth is still round, & the sky is still blue.

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: Say it Bella.Say it out loud. Bella: GAYYYYYYYY.

   Some days I wake up Grumpy....other days I let her sleep in....

   I guess I just want you to know that I care about you enough to piss on your gums if your teeth ever catch on fire...

   Being out of 3G range is like traveling back to an older, friendlier America. Cornfields and songbirds. Churches and farm stands. Also, meth.

   sick and tired of handicap people always getting pushed around

   Rosa Parks never called "shotgun"

   So did anyone ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what?

   Lou Gehrig didn't have Lou Gehrig's disease. What's next? We find out Hugh Downs doesn't have Down's syndrome?

   search "google gravity" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"!!! :)

   I don't have bad handwriting, I have my own Font =D