Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daughter walks in on her mom giving dad a hand job, "Mommy, what you doing?" Mom says "Your daddy is getting too fat, so I'm letting some of the air out of him." The little girl replies, "Good luck, the lady next door is just got done blowing him up again

   I just realized that you can find more of your friends under the "other tools" category. Apparently, FB doesn't really know my friends because none of them were under this category...

   so if you bug me for my number and I tell you my credit score...will you go away??

   i know so many people who wish they were computer geeks now...they pay really well too

   recycle...because mother earth likes to regift too

   i'm tired...will you carry me to bed?

   can someone give me directions to the humor section please?

   "Of course I was driving under the influence, I'm too drunk to walk!"

   who cares about weight or looks a beautiful woman to me is one who is comfortable in her own skin with a credit score more than 715.

   thinks that he has stumbled onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, he hasn't figured out a way to charge people for it.

   Nobody has new and fresh ideas...whats going on ppl!

   currently in a status update war with someone who thinks they are funnier than me, that hilarious!

   I think I suffer from CDO ... Its like OCD, but in alphabetical order, LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!!

   has a awaiting list to accept friend requests, but $50 may get you to the front of the line

   so I was digging a booger out and got blindsided by middle managment who gave me no time to react before they were shaking my hand and introducing me to new staff...and I don't feel guilty about it..boogers on you!

   i feel bad when I see strangers with their zipper down I want to tell them but I feel I would be inviting danger into my life

   why do boogers hang on to your finger like their life depended on it.

   its a shame that your profile picture is the only good pic you have out of the 500 albums you created.

   invented the eye roll in <insert year you were born>, seriously I started that.

   Coming with a good status is 3% talent, 97% comes from stealing it from the internet.