Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If America had a slogan it'd be "Don't bother me, I'm eating."

   I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?

   It's fun to email news headlines to a buddy when a hurricane has the same name as his ex. "Hermine leaves trail of destruction", "Hermine won't stop blowing in Gulf Coast". Yeah, that's her alright.

   Those high powered hand dryers are awesome for getting your hands dry in three seconds, and as an added bonus I now know what my hands would look like if they ever went sky diving.

   Since M&M's have been saturating the market with various different types of flavors and centers, here's an idea for them: put mini M&M's inside regular ones and voilà! M&M's Pregnants.

   No grandma, the term "hung like a horse," has nothing to do with being hungry. Please stop saying that before you get us kicked out of here.

   my pants are like a cheap hotel, no ballroom

   If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.

   Today at work both the UPS & Fedex guy showed up at the same time, I don't know who was more uncomfortable me or them.

   I am fairly certain that the last thing to ever fail on my car is that god damn signal that warns me that I am not wearing my seatbelt.

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.

   Everybody knows that couple that should've broken up sixteen times already because they fight like kangaroos. "We're workin' it out" they alway say. Ummm no. You're "workin' it in."

   I was riding shotgun in an old man's truck when his cell phone rang. He checked who it was and said, 'I have to take this' then pulled over, parked, then answered the phone. What?

   Hey guy with the flat billed hat turned sideways and pants half off, I'm pretty sure the world will never take you seriously, ever! But, way to keep trying

   There is always one person at the card table who has to be told it is their turn.

   Here's to hoping next time Lady Gaga wears a dress made out of Justin Bieber.

   I see a lite in the distance....could be a Miller Lite, I better go check it out!

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Beekapoo is me the lime

   At first we were just going to stay home at Intercourse, PA but then my wife said she wanted a vacation out of the states so now we are going to Phucket Thailand