Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She had leprosy. I got tired of picking up after her.

   Today I took a good long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   I wish TG women could get periods. Then this silliness would end in 28 days.

   Fast Food drive thru's need a 3rd window, so you can trade in all the wrong items they gave you at the 2nd window.

   Female bodybuilders are tight, cut, buff, toned and defined. With the face of a man.

   Could someone direct me tothe better states message board

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   April showers bring Mayflowers... and we all know what Mayflowers bring... PILGRIMS!

   I wonder what they make the robots do on their websites to prove that they're not human.

   I live every day like it's Friday the 13th.

   Break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

   I'm almost 60. That's the age you start thinking to yourself: Is a reverse mortgage right for me?

   If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

   Getting tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying that’s 'cactuses and if you don’t like it, well that’s cactuses

   Me to the hotel check-in guy at Motel 6: “My wife worked a 12-hour day and all I did was ask what was for dinner”

   Someone just told me to act my age.. I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   I used to have a crush on Ana Kournikova but love means nothing to her

   Waking up both horny and single is like finding yourself in a game of solitaire – the action may be one-player only, but it's still a race for a winning hand!

   Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something Fishy going on