Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   wonders who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my... now doesn't this look yummy!"

   A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

   wonders how come so many people "Roll On The Floor *Laughing*" (ROTFL)? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   thinks that physical abilty doesn't compensate for mental incompetence....

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....

   has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management.

   uh oh... it's Saturday night and I just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good...

   thinks that just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.

   ‎"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished...."

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil....

   Pro Tip# 101: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will almost always forget their original question...

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night...."

   wonders should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   Hey punk with the old run-down beefed up car with the spoiler that's WAY too big....when you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop light, don't be surprised when I make you work for it....

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep...

   out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to paaarty....

   secretly replaced the Parmesan cheese shaker with a used Pedi-Egg.... will her guests be able to tell the difference?

   I passed a Deloreon the other day. I thought... ‎1985 had Ronald Reagan, Rambo, rubics cube, mullets and Bon Jovi. Why would anyone time travel 2010? Obama, Justin Bieber, and Glee are enough reasons to try a different decade.