Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   stop taking life so seriously, noone is getting out alive anyway...

   not suffering from insanity. Hes embracing every second of it.

   staring at goats.

   running behind at work because of all these TPS reports...

   MNF = When the DOLPHINS go 3-1 and Tom Brady wishes he rather be at the salon getting rid of that "bieber" hair....

   When someone "pokes" you, I wish you could respond with a "stab directly in the heart"

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   the chick on my GPS told me she wants to see other cars

   just kissed my man, stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air, sipped my coffee, looked up, waved to neighbor, perfect morning! What could go wrong? Crap! forgot to put pants on!

   God I hate spending money on anything but myself.

   Ever notice how trying to give your heart to someone who doesn't want it is alot like trying to give medicine to an infant?

   Does that miracle weight loss program that made you lose 4 pant sizes come with a new wardrobe 4 sizes smaller....No? Then I can't afford it....

   Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.

   Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   How to impress a woman: kiss, hug, compliment, love, tease, protect, listen, support. How to impress a man: Show up NAKED with BEER!!!

   seriously, if your a guy and a friend of mine and I catch you wearing a European shoulder bag, I will slap you silly! You can thank me when you get out of that dress!