Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's called FACEBOOK, not OPENBOOK. You can keep somethings to yourself.....

   Expect the best, Prepare for the worst.

   I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

   ALL UR LIES you SAID, ' I love U' WAS MY FAVOURITE

   the guy who put the hole in the ozone layer.

   at the Library waiting for the opportune moment to fire my air horn

   RIP Paul The Psychic Octopus... I wonder if he saw that one coming?

   R.I.P Paul The Psychic Octopus... Coming to a Sushi bar near you!

   Candy corn that has the chocolate bottom is an insult to Halloween and America.

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)

   thought Brett Farve was done throwing TD passes to Greenbay Packers....does last nights touchdowns count towards his Packer stats?

   Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

   Dear lady with 4 screaming children at the supermarket.. I would like to either discipline your children or slap you in the face for not learning to control them..

   Born to shop, not to mop.

   when a whisper becomes a yell, best just deny it

   keep your lips sealed....even deaf people can read.

   I represent The Pizza Is Too Damn Good party... People eatin pizza 8 hours a day and 40 hours a week, my main job is to provide pizza for breakfast,lunch and dinner. Listen some childs stomach just growled did ya hear it?Give em pizza! Pizza Too Damn Good

   You know if you roll down fast and steady enough, it gives the illusion of electric windows.

   gotta love it when 75% of commercials are political ads. I find it odd that I'm actually looking forward to when commercials are 100% commercials again.

   "Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again." - Person who will drink again (starting either tomorrow or the next day)