Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are no winners in life... only survivors.

   Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Halloween isn't really that different than any other day... everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   Roses are red. Bullets have lead. Take me back. Or get shot in the head.

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   I'm getting my "Happy Halloween" out of the way right now. I will probably be too hungover to remember or care tomorrow

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.

   Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

   Its pretty sad I have to put parental controls on Google just to get pumpkin ideas.. Do not Google anything ending with "on a broom".

   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

   Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

   The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

   BEFORE MARRIAGE: Saturday Night Fever AFTER: Monday Night Football

   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.

   going to a fancy dress party in just his underwear tonight... and when people ask "what you come as" i'll say " A Premature Ejaculation, I've just come in my pants"