Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get grossed out whenever I see people who have not cleaned their ears since the Truman administration UGH!

   My neighbors girlfriend across the street is blowin Leaves...He's the Mexican that lives kiddy corner from me.

   My heart is on life support and I'm seriously thinking about pulling the plug and collecting the insurance money!

   I want to be a comedian so bad but I am afraid they will all laugh at me!

   will not be making any Christmas related status updates until December

   has just realized it doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full...either way it just means there is still room for more vodka!

   ...so the stumbling Cowboys play the bumbling Vikings on Sunday. Uh oh. Somebody gonna be 1-4.

   If I aimed to please, I wouldn't piss on the seat.

   needs advice and help, but not from you.

   she should win a prize for making it through the whole week without stabbing someone with a fork!

   I cannot be held responsible for anything you may have told me before I had my coffee.

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   All I needed was the kit but they made me buy the whole kaboodle.

   a little piece of me dies everyday... in a tubesock shoved to the bottom of my laundry hamper... thanks mom

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   I'm a mess. Not in the "beautiful mess" way. In the "you dropped an omelette all over the floor then stepped in it" way.

   There are three things that are scary to watch the morning after partyn hard! : own face, purse and list of outgoing calls :)

   Honesty is the best policy. But just try getting an Honesty Policy from your insurance broker.