Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   My roomate ate some peanuts and sufferd a violent reaction...They were MY peanuts so I kicked the sh!t out of the thieving ba$tard...

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but nobody needs to know that side of the story...k-thanx

   Wife had a facelift today,not high enough,i can still see it,

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.