Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had sardines and cabbage last night... my gas was so bad my boys literally passed out and encountered minor memory loss and a slight bit of hallucination...But all is good cuz my momma always taught me to share

   thinks it's funny that the Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.

   can't get with this day light savings, I'm moving to Hawaii.

   im not procrastinating, I just dont want to fing do it!!!

   wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

   Global warming is like Goldilocks and the weather is like porridge.

   been bitten by a spider... and now waiting to become Spider Man...! :-)

   The only thing scarier than Christine O'Donell is the thought her being in office and in charge of the nuclear codes.

   “I was at Arby's the other day and I thought, ‘Oh sh*t, I should take someone's order.”

   off to kill plants and zombies.

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

   if nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

   I am sick of USA blaming their presidents for everything! Help yourselves people! You elected him to be your leader not as your nanny!!

   Whenever I see signs that say ‘slow pedestrians' or ‘slow children playing' I can't help but picture people in helmets playing in the street.

   since Obama is trying to get rid of Guantomino bay, we will now be sending captured terrorists on Carnival Cruises

   I didnt fall for you...i tripped and fell cause your to ugly!!

   When I die, I want to be buried alive.

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   sending a text message and sitting the phone between their legs on vibrate..

   Where would the world be without music?