Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Hold my beer and watch this." ...that sure brings back high school memories..

   And don't even get me started on statements with no context.

   ... hmm ... If you try 2 google myspace you'll get " did you mean Facebook ?"

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear.

   A vote for Obama is a vote for demise!!

   If it's your birthday this month, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

   The snooze button is life's way of saying that waking up sucks.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a video proving it.

   I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.

   Why is the dollar drink @ Mc D's smaller than the dollar Sweet Tea?? I jus dump that sh*t out n refill it wit Hi-C.

   Thinking about starting a 80s themed oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   If you watch "Groundhog Day" backwards, its basically the same except Bill Murray doesn't get the girl at the end.

   just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident!!!

   I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.

   Note to self: After applying Icy Hot, make sure to wash hands before going to the bathroom!!

   Please don't say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. No one thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your snatch.

   OMG!! I'm not going to click on that link to see what that dad posted on his daughter's wall! Its spam people, stop the madness!!!