Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this were Lord of the Flies, you'd be dead already.

   Wish in one hand & crap in the other... See which gets filled first.

   I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Please speak up.

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   doesnt understand why some ppl are so sensitive to words...I guess there must be an essence of guilt behind those words,,,Get over it

   has hot water again...and a new found appreciation for her non plumber husband, who installed the HW heater perfectly...and looked kinda sexy with all that plumbers crack hangin out....hmmmm....think I'll go pollish his tool....!

   wondering if anybody can send me some energy... not farmville energy .. or not frontierville energy.. just plain body energy

   To save time, let's just assume I know everything.

   ‎"Only one store has been a part of your life for 150 years. That's the power of MACY'S" Wow! They're really targeting the seniors with this commercial!

   suffering from PMS (Pre Marital Stress)

   having a hard time deciding between a Boston Pancake or a German Knuckle Sandwich!

   Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

   Don't hope so....Wish so! Hope is nothing but a lazy wish :)

   When will it be socially acceptable to drink queso from a straw?

   Just brought his pet rock to the vet.

   I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   True colors always shine through smokescreens.

   Since being subtle is wasted on the naive...... I WANT A BB GUN FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!