Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ur as slutty as a bowling ball, you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more...=P

   This is a 1:1 scale model of a Facebook update.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look without the beer googles.

   Do car companies REALLY think it's possible that a spouse is secretly able to obtain financing, purchase a car, have it wrapped in a bow, and delivered on Christmas Eve?

   Facebook: We're all here because we're not all there

   When I was a little kid I use to wait for Mrs. Butterworth to talk to me but she never did......I HATE HER

   If at 1st you don't succeed, being a magician that saws people in half might not be for you.

   There's a reason stressed is "desserts" spelled backwards!

   checking out your facebook albums hoping to see some bikini photos of your girlfriend.

   All I want for Christmas is for my wife to swallow my egg nog one time!

   WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN ? IT STAYS UP FOR 30 DAYS & NIGHTS, HAS CUTE BALLS & LOOKS GOOD WITH THE LIGHTS ON

   Dear Mr. guy that honks his horn right when the light turns green, it's not gonna work so well when I rip it out and shove it down your throat!

   Its so cold, Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick

   SNOWBALL FIGHT !!!"o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O. �

   thanks Obama......my advent calendar has pictures of Repo-Men, foreclosure notices and disconnect notices.

   nicotine patches are great !! stick one of each eye and you cant find your cigarettes..

   Today's secret word is Bieber. Everytime someone says it, punch them with authority.

   The X Factor is on tonight! I can't wait..... To go out to the pub

   79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.

   as confused as Ray Charles with a Where's Waldo book