Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)

   MTV just sent me a message that had something to do with fist pumping with Snooki and The Situation this New Year's Eve. Can I fist pump them in the jaw?

   With all these numbers opping up, you would think somone would have a bingo by now

   I've been in a relationship with Jack Daniels for so long...should be able to claim him as a dependant on my taxes.

   Score ! I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough...... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   I would do alot of things... But catch a grenade... Line has got to be drawn somewhere...

   thinking if somebody invented vibrating tampons women would enjoy their period a lot more!!

   The only # game I am playing is Barcardi 151, Seagrams 7&7, Weller 107 and maybe Maddog 20/20!!!

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.

   If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got.

   I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"

   I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.

   I upgraded...am I supposed to feeel differntly?

   This job thing is for the birds, how does one go about signing up for the welfare?

   Trapped in a mine in New Zealand... Shouldn't be too bad. ...If you can avoid the orcs, trolls and the gigantic Balrog.

   loves selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know him ...he's already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.

   Girls are like universities. he spend hours looking at them, only to realise he can't get into any of them.

   can't believe he got sacked from the calendar factory...All he did was take a day off.

   Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.