Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you ever drink so much when your sitting on the coach and you start looking for a seatbelt.

   Please hold while I put on my "Gosh I really care" face.

   already on the naughty list. Santa... I can explain.

   BREAKING NEWS: After realizing just how invasive the TSA screeners have become, the White House has ordered that they will no longer be managed by Homeland Security. Instead, they've been given to the IRS.

   my daughter asked my wife if I loved her, mommys responses was, "yes dear, daddy loves everyone...he is on prozac"

   I'm so broke, cockroaches don't want to live with me.

   dear inventor of 5 hour energy. please make a coffee flavor drink so I can add it to my coffee

   Somewhere, instilled in my mind, there is something that tells me that while playing video games if I press harder on the buttons or turn the controller I will be able to run faster, jump higher, turn quicker, or just plain play better. I don't get it. T

   Puberty is going to hit Justin Bieber harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna

   If you want to say the truth and you can't, DRINK and SAY IT ALL

   Prefers the days when bustin' a cap was followed by a puff smoke and putting a new red roll in.

   Michael Jordan Brand Condoms - They make sure you score." Sold at your nearest Jordan Brand Supplier.

   Girl you must have restless leg syndrome because you can't seem to keep those legs closed!!

   I love you! And that's ok that you don't, because sometimes the beauty is in the attempt

   So I was just thinking, if fans of the Grateful dead are called deadheads, hulk hogan's fans are hulkamaniacs, those that mean Harry Potter fans are Potheads?

   If first dates are interviews, then second dates are negotiatons.

   3 Pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, a wrench, and handcuffs made out of Twizzlers. I'm ready for bootycall Friday night to begin!

   One good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors

   I'm not a chef. But I'd be happy to baste your turkey for you.

   I can't believe that guy in the Heineken commercial stole my wedding reception move!!