Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does the Advance Pat Down come with an happy ending?

   Goodbye mistletoe belt bucket....hello mistletoe boxer shorts.

   "Real, Recognize Real, And I Can't See Or Hear None Of Yall." -Helen Keller

   my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied "space". Was that wrong?

   decided to burn lots of calories today.....so I set a fat kid on fire. :)

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   Dogs may have an incredible sense of smell, but they have a terrible sense of whether that smell is good or bad.

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   I'm so glad my car has that alarm for when I don't have my seatbelt on that reminds me to turn my radio up.

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........

   If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   Christmas came early!!! Happy EIGHTEENTH Birthday Miley!!!