Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Warning: I break for lawn deer

   One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

   All I want for Christmas is for Santa to give me a copy of his naughty list. ;0)

   Help support heating assistance programs....Ladies post photos of your cold nips.

   Hard Nipple season has arrived! Thank you Mr. Jack Frost. Well played sir!

   I changed my profile pic to the kids from south park, since it's for the children. Seems appropriate right?

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".

   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   Washington DC didn't ban a nativity scene this Christmas. They just couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin anywhere in the city

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more awkward!

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   All the M&M's in this bag are dead...

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more akward!

   I did what everyone did and changed my profile picture to my fave cartoon character and now am wondering, how on earth will this help me get laid?

   If I grow weed in farmville, sell it in mafia wars, reckon how many farkle points I could get for a quarter bag?

   What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!"

   changing my profile pic isn't going to change anything is this world..i'd rather donate a bit of money than change my pic.