Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

   Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

   [Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren] DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

   houseguest: is this a pull out couch me: no we kind of just hope for the best

   My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

   I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.

   I like men who play hard to get. So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

   My wife told me to stop quoting song lyrics. I told her I don't need permission to make my own decisions. That's my prerogative.

   Text book for urologists: "Looking Out for #1"

   I was a whisker away from winning 'Beard of the Year' recently.

   Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   See you in tea ~ say it, slower, spell it

   The fickle public will lose interest in the Kobe crash faster than they did with Popeye's chicken sandwich.

   In the past week, the media has inundated us with a partisan train wreck and ended it with a helicopter crash.

   Corona Virus,NO NOT THE BEER PLEASE GOD NO!!🍺

   My whole problem with Facebook is I say what's on my mind. Like I'm doing now for instance.

   My Korean co-worker was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner today. But someone let the cat out of the bag.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.