Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you need time alone, announce that it's time to clean the house.

   I know that you don't understand but I think it's cute that you're trying.

   I propose a toast to all my friends who are still with me in 2011. To those who unfriended me in 2010... you can kiss my glass.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.

   2 beers 5 dollars, 3 margaritas 15 dollars, 4 jello shots 20 dollars... taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

   The thousands of falling birds in Arkansas gives a whole new meaning to the game Angry Birds!!

   Did you read the news? 4,000 Dead Birds Drop From the Sky! Looks like God likes playing Angry Birds too!! Tee Hee!

   If you're on the show "16 and Pregnant" you have a pretty good chance of being on the follow-up show "32 and a Grandmother"

   Your iPhone alarm didn't work? Well, as my great grandfather used to say on his deathbed, shortly before his demise....."too bad."

   everybody was working tonight, so I was forced to go to dinner with my parents! but wait, thats not the worst part. Upon arrival, they informed me that they would be drinking and only brought me to drive them home! fml

   kinda bummed New Year's Eve only happens once a year... we need more alcoholidays.

   gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   's 2010 New Year's resolution is to re-enact the movie "The Hangover" in real life.

   thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.

   Do they have self help programs for procastinators?

   # is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?