Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Above all else. Don't forget to smile. It either warms their heart or pisses them off. You win no matter what.

   Here's the best advice of the day: If you call a psychic and they don't greet you by name, HANG UP!!!

   You say my driving is out of control, I say my driving is well-planned and that particular moves require extreme skill and big balls.

   Why did the blackman buy a old police car ??....So he could sit in the front for a change...

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   I'm from a small town full of gossip. I used to catch up whenever I talked to my folks. Now whenever they tell me something, I already know. Thanks Facebook.

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   Just got a Facebook "confirmed friend request" email from the bar I got kicked out of a few weeks ago. That means I'm allowed back in, right?

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.

   How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places??

   I need to be a greeter at Walmart so I can direct people appropriately. "Nair for your lady mustache aisle 4...Deodorant for that stench aisle 5..." etc.

   today, when I asked my dad why wedding dresses are white, he replied; "son, all household appliances come in white".

   Make up, the worst lie man will ever come across

   sitting beside a hot girl that just picked her nose and put it under her seat... She's no longer hot.

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   can tell you the 5 most unappealing words in the English language... Used Hot Tub For Sale.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets