Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cold poptart and instant coffee = The breakfast of champions that wake up really late for work.

   woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning.

   57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

   I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

   obama hears a hu

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   String theory is the basis of our universe?? So, God made us in a macramé class??

   dealin with backstabbers there was one thing I learned.. they are only powerful when you got ur back turned.

   Treat ur tuthbrush like a girlfrnd Use atleast twice a day Dont let any1 else use it, & replace it in every 3 months.:-)

   would like to partake in the consumption of multiple alcoholic beverages this evening

   I feel like I am retaining water today. Omg. that's it. no more lifetime movies or chick flicks....

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   A boomerang is a Frisbee for lonely kids.

   The sign says "Smoke Free" That's Good.. I hate the places that charge you to smoke!!!

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   Don't you hate it when some fat ass in a fast food drive thru orders $40 in food.

   Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   as much as I like to laugh at AI, having Steve Tyler as a judge is like having Secretariat giving pony rides at a child's party.