Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cmon now, lets be serious...noone would be stupid enough to catch a grenade for anyone.

   9 out of 10 doctors think that other one is just a hater

   I've decided that if I ever go into witness protection my name will be Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina

   just once I want my wife to greet me like the dog, jumping on me, licking me all over and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated

   Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

   A path with no obstacles, probably doesn't lead anywhere

   I drink, therefore I am.

   Cleaning the house while the kids are awake is like trying to rake leaves in a hurricane.

   Can someone please tell mew when tv becomes "new" again? Everything claims "all new" but all I see is the same old garbage.

   got kicked out of bowling tonight for spiking the ball after I made a strike.

   one wrong key stroke and my last status was "Due to a high phone bill I'm switching to Bondage".

   browsing dating sites for women that are "currently separated" because they will be getting lots of money upcoming divorces and are potential sugar mamas!

   an agent of chaos.

   wondering what idiot put a silent "t" in the word "listen"?

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!

   Any relationship before marriage is just training.

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   These liberty tax male lady liberty people on the side of the road make me happy I'm not them.

   Don't get chased by your past. Your future always catches up.