Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?

   Some women are terribly hard to please... the rest are impossible!

   The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.

   The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

   Words of wisdom: Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

   Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."

   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

   Life's a b!tch, because if it were a slut, it'd be easy.

   What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? About 45 lbs

   If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

   A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

   You know its going to be a bad week when you got a case of the Mondays on a Tuesday.

   Relationships are like drugs, they either kill you, or give you the best feeling of your life.

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick