Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm quite the match maker. Just matched up whiskey with some ginger ale.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   If Obama was the answer it must have been a stupid question!!

   When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.

   Well the Christmas spirit is boxed up and back into the attic for another year.

   It appears to me that Brett Favre was fined $25k per inch in the Jen Sterger affair.....

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   So, I've been told hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning! According to the Surgeon General. Women should consume alcohol because it impairs their ability to say NO!! So who is up for a drink? I'm pouring!

   Dear god thank you for all the good times you brought me in 2010. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name.

   Lady at the table next time mine just told the waiter "Oh, I just wanted one teabag with that." I'm holding back the laughter.

   I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.

   Brett Favre was fined $50,000. That's a slap on the back of the hand. They didn't want to slap the front because God knows where it's been recently.

   I'm not making a new years resolution because it's a dumb wasteful thing to do....by the way 2011 is going to be the year I never tell lies.

   Kathy Griffin hosting and Snookie riding in the ball?.. I won't be surprised if no one shows up at times square this year. u

   i remember when I was younger my mum used to give me 50p to go to the shop , I used to be able to get a couple cans of pop a hand full of ice lollies a magazine couple packs of stickers and some skittles....you just cant do it these days God damn CCTV!!

   Dear 2011 don't believe everything 2010 told you, it was just jealous cause I wasn't very interested in it..

   it's my birthday... I'm going to treat today like a rental car, and drive it like it's stolen!

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.