Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yes I wet the bed from drinkin to much last night..and cause I wanted her gone by the time I woke up to see how ugly she was

   Hookers dont like to snuggle..

   Sitting here, eating my Klondike bar, thinking....."I can't frickin believe I just did that!!"

   Facebook: the place where you are a nice person when you add someone and become an ***hole when you delete them.

   At $50 billion, Facebook is now worth as much as Oprah's little finger

   thinks Arkansas is taking the game "Angry Birds" a little too far...

   Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

   Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson (Good Luck to those playing the powerball!!)

   The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

   After telling a joke to a little sad kid, he simply asked back " do you know why the chicken crossed the road?" I said no why? He said " Because you were telling the joke at the chicken side". The end and he walked away. :/

   my new years resolution is 1920 x 1080

   liked to climb trees as a kid....until I fell and broke all the Christmas presents.

   Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up. In other news, Taylor Swift has started writing her next album.

   Dear God, I think you're taking this Angry Birds game a little to the extreme.

   Wii should make beer pong... tired of losing to my son in all the games HE'S good at

   Dear Santa, Let me explain about last year..

   Apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT!

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?

   Renaming my wifi network to 'Police Surveillance Van #2'. That should keep the neighbors peeking out the windows toes for a while