Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My South Beach diet says no alcohol: I figure it like this wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, Gin is made from juniper berries and beer and whiskey are also made out of wholesome grains. Got to be healthy, bottoms up!

   Whose bed HAVE my boots bed under? Seriously, I can't find them anywhere.

   Went to go check my Mega Millions ticket and got pissed off because the clerk sold me a Powerball ticket instead. Oh well I guess I'll just fantasize about winning 34 million now instead.

   Lindsey Lohan?Yeah i'd definitely hit that...In the head...with a baseball bat.

   The homeless guy with the golden voice was offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, damn, you're good. Fool me four times…expect a drive-by

   What do you call a black guy in a three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise?

   To everyone who take time to "Like" my status the very minute I post my status, Get a life and get off the facebook

   Don't you just hate how you finally get Christmas all put away and it's already time to put up the Martin Luther King decorations??...?

   If my fridge smells like fish, but I don't have any fish in it...that's a problem, right?

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

   blinded by the light. Revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.

   I called a company and heard "Don't fear the Reaper" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Life Insurance from a company that plays that?!?! ;-)

   Gathering Birds to throw at you!

   I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

   Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

   Apparently society isn't sympathetic about testicular cancer awareness…You check yourself in one mirror at the mall, and you go from health conscious, to sexual predator in a heartbeat...(more in comments)

   I wonder how many tattoos you can get for the Sugar Bowl trophy...

   Relax everyone...My pink flamingo is still standing in my front yard...I think it's over now.