Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Plastic surgery Allows you the rare opportunity to make your inner appearance resemble your inner appearance. Fake.

   In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage. They make it into television shows.

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   I was gonna listen to that last lame song you posted, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.

   In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

   I really want to meet yo mamma! She sounds pretty fat...

   You think the glass is half empty. I just appreciate that I have some beer left in it.

   BAD NEWS: I've never been in love. GOOD NEWS: I've never been in Courtney Love.

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration

   what is with blind people always walking their dogs

   sticks and stones my break my bones, but...ahhhh he!! what did you just say B!t@h! ?

   I spread you before I eat you, I use my tounge to get you off, sometimes I lick your nuts.....mmmmm I love peanut butter

   watched American Idol for the first time tonight. I think I figured out why every one likes it so much. You get to see peoples dreams come true and get shattered all in one show. You don't get that anywhere else.

   you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

   Don't you hate when people know your are lying, and they know that you know that they know you are lying, but still nobody says anything......lol so #awkward

   Plan B includes margaritas.

   anxiously waiting on my picture of the person i'm going to be supporting under the new obama care health insurance.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

   I don't care what my boss says, according to this fortune cookie I will soon get a promotion at work.