Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No man has ever said to a woman, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache."

   How do you walk like an Egyptian in 2011? You don't. Running across streets, flipping cars, and setting fires are the prerequistes

   says if there were no bad parents, there would be no good strip clubs!

   Dear IRS: First of all, you should know I filled my form out with my middle finger.

   The coolest part about wallet chains is that they let potential thieves know your wallet isn't worth stealing.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   it might just be me, but oranges from the tree at the cemetary seem a little sweeter.

   If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one way makes you sad or angry...I meant the OTHER way...

   O' HAPPY DAYS , first an ice storm followed by a whole month of black history month !

   and the #1 reason a beer is better than a woman.....Its a beer!

   in a bar the other day. "make me a zombie", "god beat me to this" said the barkeeper

   The Beatles saved the world from boredom. - George Harrison

   Ok... Where do these people come from that just wake up and say "Ya know, I don't think I can live without purchasing a BMW station-wagon". Really? THAT'S the luxury vehicle of your dreams? 

   Seems to me if you really want to meet a celebrity your best shot is by going to rehab.

   What's uppp? Yup, I just tripled p'd my up. Next I might just double stack my o's, nO?

   Happy 11 White History Months

   My dad probably can't beat up your dad anymore.

   thinks that it's no coincidence that there are no z's in insomnia.

   A bunch of pro bowlers played a football game last night... wow, what an impressive bunch of two-sport athletes!

   I like rice,,,especially when I'm in the mood for like 2000 of something...