Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much toilet paper does the average woman use???

   i know this is gonna be misinterpreted, but I've been sitting on hard wood for an hour, and my ass is killing me!

   After a very thorough, 25 year investigation, charges have officially been filed against "video" for her part in the killing of the radio star.....

   thinks that instead of reposting statuses it would be a better idea if all women with a "wonderful man" would cook him his favourite meal and dress up for his bedroom fantasies instead ;).... just saying, but the reposting thing is cool too.

   thinks that the phrase "home sweet home" was coined by the witch from Hansel and Gratel.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.

   it's not the heat, it's the humidity thats bothering me today

   Egyptians Gone Wild

   Spell check... it's impotent

   Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive

   would eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.

   I'm about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings

   reminded my buddy to let his faucet drip...forgot he had gonorrhea...another awkward moment brought to you by STD's...

   Thank you music, for being there when no one else was.

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.

   mans evolution is from monkey to a man. But governments evolution is from man to a monkey. Both sad and funny

   How do you put an end to the circus?.........Go for the juggler!