Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That time of year again where in a few days we will be able to buy Hearts filled with chocolates for 75% off.

   Hmmmm. Egypt's people actually protested and forced their president to resign...what's everyone doing this weekend? ;)

   Someone called me a social butterfly, I'm more of a social moth. When I approach a hot woman, I get shot down in flames...

   I just watched the "Notebook" & "Rudy" ...NO I didn't cry! but I want to go out for an ice cream now

   I don't want you to panic but I'm texting from casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was

   hate the anticipation of setting a mouse trap,right at the last minute all seems good then "snap" you lose the battle...

   Work would be so much better if there was nap time, recess, and gym.

   EGYPTIAN LIBERATION PARTY TONIGHT @ THE SPHINX..EVERYBODY GETS LAID!!! Sponsored by Girls Gone Nile'd

   I'm home alone on a Saturday watching a show about flying planes in Alaska. Can't I just meet a nice girl on craigslist that will come over and kill me?

   Lonliness and alcohol are good friends, but on Valentine's day, they are best friends.

   I can't eat Doritos anymore. That finger licking commercial was disgusting! Why is it still being aired?

   at Walmart letting the one tooth wonder check me out!!!

   It's illegal to text while driving, but apparently it's okay for the police to surf CopNET on the freeway at 70 MPH.

   No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich

   My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine's, so I asked her with who and do I know her...................then the trouble started.

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"

   going to paint the town red tonight. Unfortunately the town now has Cameras installed and he got spotted and arrested.

   took an Ambien and a laxative before going to bed....i'll let you know who won in the morning.....

   STALKERS meeting tonight at that secret spot! You know the one!!

   If you have kids, your life is kids. If you don't, your life is going out to eat and buying electronics.