Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?

   Oh Dark Goddess Caffeina who is known by many names, bless me this day and give me the energy to get all things done that are needed.

   Most awkward place on earth: An elevator. 5 strangers. Silence. A bad smell.

   If lifes a B*tch, Then Why Hasnt It made Me a Sandwhich?

   Quick to the point, to the point no faking I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon

   Bieber got a brit award. This makes me want to stick my genitals in a deep fat fryer...

   farting in a bottle and capping it so I can smell it again next week....

   I need a damn girlfriend...well not a "damn" girlfriend, just a girlfriend...well not just a girl that's a friend but...a girl...well, not a girl, but a woman...OMG I am turning into Mr. Kimball! Damn you, Green Acres!

   I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...

   Would like to remind all my friends who also spent Valentine's day alone, St. Patricks day is only a month away... Start drinking!

   I know you think your kid is all smart and stuff, probably is, in relation to you.

   Fancy a 11/11/11 baby ?? ...... if so, best do your stuff this Friday !!!

   I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

   5.It's tough to lose weight when you're older. By then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   the difference between try and triumpth is just a little bit of umpth!

   Today's inspirational post: You can do it!

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.