Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much…

   I wish Doc would hurry up with that Flux Capacitor so we don't have to pay these ridiculous f&^kin' gas prices!!

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.

   I should have invested money in companies that manufacture Locking Gas Caps

   If I could slow down real life , like the fights scenes on a fighting movie . I would punch people more often .

   When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!

   I bang my snooze button so often and hard it's probably pregnant...

   After Watching Jersey Shore I wonder to myself is this all that MTV has Left???

   Wow, just drove by the gas station and the guy changing prices has a chair camping out...no good can come of this!!

   “Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Universal truth: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

   “Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a crap ton of makeup.” -Maybelline

   Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

   If you were on fire and I had a beer in my hand, I would be warm, toasty, and drunk.....

   Happy National Tortilla Chip Day, enjoy the Mexican that's in you....and mow my yard while your at it.

   People are not mirrors, They see you completely differently than the way you see yourself.

   Loving the new democracy in the Arab world; just wish it wasn't so painful at the pump…

   If you're in a relationship for sex it's like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   sometimes I whistle while I work....but most of the time I facebook...