Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your silence is golden because the words you said before are tarnished with lies.

   If only Dave Chappelle was still around to say "I'm Charlie Sheen b*tch. It's a celebration b*tches."

   I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.

   I think its time for me to clean out my kitchen cupboards. While making lunch I found soup that expired 10 years ago and some tin spice containters older than I am.

   Wish my Granny had facebook. Havent chatted with her in a while

   Daffy Duck has invaded Libya and wil now be known as General K'Daffy

   A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

   I slipped and fell on ice today. I realized it was black ice when I got up and my wallet and keys were missing.

   like a good neighbor, state farm I there...with halle berry butt naked feeding me peeled grapes!

   so out focus on my commute this morning that everyones heads were bigger then there asses. lol.

   To Kim Kardashian: "They playin' my Jam"...seriously??? I've heard better tunes coming from my ass after chilli n' beer night. Please don't sing any more songs. The only "tapes" you should be mixin' are sex tapes. LOL! Seriously, I'm just sayin'....

   A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.

   ...You cannot predict how people think because even cows cross the road in the pale moonlight

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   when I was a kid I always wanted to see the face of the fat lady in "Tom & Jerry"

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   As we grow up, we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are.

   ever stand there, making a pot of coffee, look at the coffee grounds and consider doing a line or two of em just to jump start the day? Yep, it's that kinda day !!!

   I'm sitting here enjoying a delicious protein muffin. Some may say because of the chocolate frosting and sprinkles that it's a cupcake but that's just not true.

   Wanna shake my weight ladies & save yourself some money ?