Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders how many times he should ignore his girlfriend telling him she put her tampon in the wrong hole?

   doesn't get drunk - I get awesome!

   took the red pill and woke up broke in Vegas. Thanks Morpheus.

   Apparently, saying "grande" in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

   opportunity always involves some risk..but didnt expect it to robb me..

   I like my women like I like my beer.... gone when I'm finished!

   Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.

   Patience is like urine, sooner or later you may loose it!

   Youre never too old to learn something stupid

   Lady Gaga is really Marilyn Manson after 10 years of hormone therapy

   Charlie Sheen snorted enough coke to kill Two and a Half Men.

   hah... you're going out with my ex? Cool, want my leftover sandwich, too?

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say, "Guess what?"

   I'm playing hide-and-seek with my kid... He'll never find me... He's not old enough to get into the bar...

   do you think that butterflies get tattoo's of women's butts?"

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN mouth!"

   PMS: stands for either "Pass My Shotgun" or "Potential Murder Suspect". Take your pick.

   thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."

   AT&T makes it very easy to play hard to get.

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because after all, the Beastie Boys DID fight for my right to party....