Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5109 of 6446

I'd rather play the adult only version of "Duct Duct Tape" if you know what I mean. ;0)
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03-27-2011 09:25
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I am not grumpy. I'm just not a fan of other people today.
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03-27-2011 09:23
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I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas......
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03-27-2011 08:50 by scottyp
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Despite a great life, I feel all empty inside, Must be time for lunch.
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03-27-2011 07:55
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A lonely man put an ad in the paper saying "wife wanted" The next day, he checked he had 40 messages, all of them saying "You can have mine!"
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03-27-2011 04:11
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My buddy told me "My wife is an angel" I told him "You're lucky! Mine is still alive"
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03-27-2011 04:10
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I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.
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03-27-2011 04:04
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Worst possible life moment.... Driving down the interstate, a few miles past the "next exit 80 miles" sign, and you realize you have a sudden onset of diahrrea
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03-27-2011 04:00
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I got a phone call saying "Excuse me, do you know for sure that you've been saved by the Lord?" I said "Why, has he told you something?"
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03-27-2011 03:34
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I thought my dog was crazy for humping the air... then one day I tried it. It's pretty underrated
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03-27-2011 03:03
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When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
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03-27-2011 01:24
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when life gives you dilemmas, make dilemmanade!
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03-27-2011 01:20
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I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up
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03-27-2011 01:19
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Women like saying "I'm not short, I'm fun sized", so I tell them the same thing in bed.
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03-27-2011 00:36
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If snitches get stitches.. You can call me Scarface
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03-26-2011 23:33
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if you love something and you were dumb enough to let it go then you didn't deserve it in the first place.
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03-26-2011 22:16
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Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook."
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03-26-2011 21:40 by Seddy90
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My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realise that i'm good at being drunk!
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03-26-2011 21:34
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WORK is AWESOME!! It's the only way to get constantly screwed 5 days in a row without the fear of pregnancy or disease.. Just saying..
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03-26-2011 21:30
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there are plenty of fish in the sea, ya just gotta wiggle your worm!
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03-26-2011 19:54 by vinnie
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