Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked my mum what she wants for Mother's Day..... She said, all I want is a bit of caring and looking after.....So I put her in a nursing home

   CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

   I onced climaxed to the sound of my own voice. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

   Heard that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Danny Devitto".

   noticed the Weather Channel has a new show hosted by a dude named Peter Lik....How old do you have to be for that NOT to be funny because I evidently haven't reached it yet.

   Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Dwayne Johnson"

   in heat. Blame spring and short skirts... time to spray and pray.

   Listening to Obama is like experiencing Deja Moo. You feel as if you've heard this bull before.

   I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons

   Today's Motto: You can't drink all day unless you start in the morning! Bottoms up, America.

   to all my friends who wished me happy birthday today, thank you! You've really made me smile. Especially cause it wasn't really my birthday. Happy April Fools! :)

   Its so funny how the worst drivers on the road these days are the ones with an "Obama" sticker on their bumper.

   When a woman says "I forgive you", what she really means is "thanks for giving me something to throw in your face the next time I'm losing an argument..."

   Oh please, all that 2012 crap won't happen! Even if it begins to, the one guy hiding his time machine will whip that out right in time and be the worlds saviour anyway .

   It's so Hot my ice cream is melting in the freezer

   It's bad enough that my dog picked one of the most congested streets to take a sh*t, but he had to do it in the middle of the sidewalk while people stared. Psh, puppies.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.

   Sent a message asking 30 women if they want to go out with me, 26 said yes but unfortunately had to tell them it was april fools.

   I was at the vet with my sick dog, the vet said have you thought about youthanasia? What does Chinese kids have to do with my dog?

   Finger prick tests are being developed to test people for radiation in the wake of the Japan disaster. Apparently if the person's blood comes out glowing fluorescent green, there might be a problem.