Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have no idea how I got 80% of my stuff.

   The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.

   If Americans are going to start complaining about their dwindling water supply because they can't keep their golf courses and their hollywoods watered they should start by extracting it from their BEER

   so hungry i'm starin' at my candlestick hopin' he's come to life, sing me 'be our guest' n prepare me a dancing yummy feast !!

   from South Africa and no we don't have Lions in our backyards ;)

   Dear attractive teenage grocery checkout girl, please don't judge me for buying 3 cucumbers, 1 light bulb, a jar of jelly and 2 tubes of KY.

   Dear Liver, I'm sorry I abused you this weekend. My drinking habits have caused you pain a damage once again. I will make it up to you by not drinking for at least a week or until someone offers me a drink. Please don't be mad at me and continue to functi

   Bank of America credit card: $6,469.43, Citi credit card :$4,710.89, Chase credit card: $1,434.85... Figuring out that your Ex-Girlfriend wasn't the one.........................................................EXPENSIVE!!!! FML LOL

   Cancel my subscription! I am tired of your Issues....

   I would sell my soul for a cookie and a nap right now

   A friend knows there's something wrong by the way you act but a best friend can tell through just a text message

   When it comes to guns and condoms- it's better to have them and not need them than to need them and not have them. Be safe FB friends... Be safe

   Mistakes- We all make them but we don't always apologize for them. Sometimes it's pride, sometimes it's stupidity and sometimes we don't think we did anything wrong, but if we're not careful we might end up being sorry one way or another.

   I think I need to buy my husband a box of tampons

   the one thing that annoys me about Disney films is that inanimate objects don't break out into song and dance nowhere near as much as they do in the films and when they do no one else is around to see. 

   I think it would be cool to actually see a tornado before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   When I say, "I never do that"...what I mean is "I haven't done that in the past five minutes."

   ppl dying, couples fighting just alot of unhappy ppl out there! Its times like this we need to tell the ppl we care bout the most we love them! Just stop what ur doing call ur girl, man, moms, dad or whoever & tell them you love them!

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you don't knock on my door and tell me about it.

   Happy National Caramel Day everyone!