Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

   Cops never say "thanks for speeding and keeping us employed". It's just plain selfish.

   This just in Mr.Cee & Bishop Eddie long got the leading roles in "Brokeback Mountain 2" it's directed by TAKE IT TO THE FACE !!! productions.

   I neverr get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because my parents taught me to give my toys to the less fortunate

   People think that I'm too patronising (to put in terms that you'd understand, that means I treat them like they're stupid).

   husband for sale...comes with xbox controller

   if you need a quick ego boost.... watch an episode or 2 of intervention on A&E... I feel great now!

   The controlling force of all the corporate propaganda, religious guilt, and governmental coercion shrinks to insignificance in the face of a single human being with a profound belief in a revolutionary idea.

   "You are the sun and I the moon. I am the sea to your shore. In your arms I've finally found the love I was searching for."

   Get robbed on the street by a stranger, it's called a mugging, get robbed by your government, and it's called "taxes" ;)

   What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

   Time is your most precious gift, you only have a set amount of it. Time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

   Dear Mother Nature, I know you've been on the rag lately, but who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?!

   Whenever I talk to Canadians, I wonder if they can tell I'm thinking, "Damn, those-hockey-loving-white-Mexicans, they got all the good beer.....".

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, SHE'S UP"!

   Todays suggestion...Someone just KILL terry jones,so more people dont die because of HIS stupidity. Like the GOVT hasent done it in the past,US citizen or not. Hell I'll do it,just give me the go ahead.

   Dear Mother Nature, I know you've been on the rag lately, but could you please put a cork in it?!?! Thanks

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

   For her birthday she told me to get her something she could use, She must not of liked the Summers Eve, I havent heard from her in days

   I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews