Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

   - I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips bring my groceries in.

   - As a driver I hate pedestrains, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

   - The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   A bird in the hand~~~is the best way to eat chicken.

   - I wish Google Maps had an "Aviod Ghetto" routing option.

   - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!

   i wanted to go smoke pot, so I told my mom I was getting tutored. she asked what time I would be back, I told her learning doesn't have a curfew

   you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

   Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

   this day is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter

   Don't wear the label people give you!! They only know you're name and not your story and one day eventually some of them will end up having to kiss your ass!!

   I get the feeling that Americans just think of us Canadians as "white Mexicans" sneaking across the border and stealing their hockey jobs.

   loving him some father son and holy spirit right. I love ya Jesus

   saw an elevator today with a sign that said "this elevator does not go down." Guess it was a Christian elevator

   ten years from now facebook "friends in common" we all be related to adam and eve

   I would rather bleed to death than give up a fight!

   I don't know about y'all but every time I see that Direct TV commercial...I really want a miniature giraffe.

   Seems like life had more meaning back when pluto was still a planet. Now I don't really know what to live for anymore...Live for that next beer, perhaps?

   The word "Excellent" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his Grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I would call him an "excellent" shot, but I don't think that's what Bill and Ted meant by "Be Excellent to each other!"