Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman knocked on my door earlier asking if I would like to make a contribution towards domestic violence.So I punched her in the face.

   I'll date anyone who isn't an idiot, hints the reason I'm still single.

   FAST 6 , "The race to the Senior Discount Breakfast at Dennys". The next movie in the outlived Fast & The Furious Saga .

   Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air.. Can I go for a walk? Mom: Yes, but tell your “fresh air” to drop you home by 9 pm..!!

   Pippa middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book..... you know harry's going to be in it

   I have a ton of leftover horse. I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

   I have beaten so many Japanese people tonight on Mario Kart Wii that they are going to start referring to me as Godzilla

   Extreme Couponing O:

   - You know "f-cking" is one of those f-cking words that you can f-cking put anyf-ckingwhere in a sentence and it still makes f-cking sense!

   - Oh, you don't like me? Go stand in line with the rest of the haters waiting for me to give a f-ck!

   - If you got any b-tchier, you could have puppies. Woof!

   I saw a nun on a wheelchair today and I could think of is.... Virgin mobile

   Can we stop calling Obama the first black president, he makes Bryant gumball look like flavor flav, my nipples are darker than this guy.

   "I don't care what political party you lean towards, what religious denomination you claim or what side of the tracks you live on, I love you anyways. Whether you like it or not."

   Earlier today I passed a street sign that said "Dip". I have an idea, instead of putting in the time and money into the "Dip" sign, how about filling in the dip?? Just a thought. If the bridge went out, would they just put up a sign that said, "River"?

   Three questions that dumbfound people: 1) How did Moses part the Red Sea? 2) How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 3) How is Jacob Lusk still on American Idol?

   Look at it this way; if the world's meant to end in 2012, at least you won't have to pay $10/gal for gas

   Whoops! Some vodka fell in my glass... Better clean that up...

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it would not be too useful in a combat situation.

   for a second I thought an ogre and a donkey had crashed another royal wedding, but then I realized it was Camilla and Charles.