Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!

   Ashton Kutcher replaching Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men"?... Well, I guess it'll be called "One and a Half and a Quarter Man" now. -_-'

   I don't think an athiest has the right to listen to "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey!! Go listen to "Nothing Happens When You Die" and whine on your message boards!!

   The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

   No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"

   So the name of the show will now be One and a Half Men and a Douche?

   likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!

   I wonder when the first episode Ashton Kutcher gonna punk the cast of two and a half men.

   So it is being reported that a Extensive Porn Stash was found in Bin Ladens compound. So this the "Treasure Trove" they spoke of!

   Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Remaining cast and crew already planning their own "Torpedo of Truth" tour.

   Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!

   You will do Great in Two and Half Men 'Ashton Kutcher', but you can never replace Charlie Sheen !!

   Ashton Kutcher replaces Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.......Sheen's no longer winning is he?

   was thinking with the end of the world coming a week from Saturday now might be a good time to pick up a new Ferrari and have an affair.