Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday

   When I see a woman post consistantly that "All men suck!", I reply with either "Perhaps the problem lies with you." Or "Tell us again who makes the choice to date these a$$holes?"

   Irony would be Arnold having an illegitimate son named John Conner

   I only make mental bets and coincidentally I've lost my mind.

   People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who'd rather quit and go drink.

   wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.

   I just saved a bunch of morons on car insurance by telling them that morons shouldn't drive so they don't need insurance.

   If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

   Your girlfriend is Rated E for "EVERYONE"

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   "Don't let something that doesn't matter cost you something that does"

   Looks like former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been playing a little game of "Hide the Vienna Sausage".

   If you dream big and never give up, you can accomplish anything. Except licking your elbow, give up on that...

   So, from the Terminator to the Governator to the Sperminator?!?

   You'd think that after all these years of practice I'd be good at waking up by now.

   Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her breasts done

   With that big gap between your 2 front teeth , I don't know wether to smile at you or to kick a goal.......

   I may not have fulfilled my dream of becoming a rock star just yet, but I will definitely make up for it one day by destroying a couple of keyboard while singing before I leave the office.