Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Gain, You need to come up with a laundry soap that will wash the disappointment out of my sheets after a regretful one night stand.. Work on that. Sincerly, Every Guy in America

   I see that that they have released a "new" tape from Osama bin Laden. Great, it's going to be just like Tupac and Biggie, more recordings released after they were dead than when they were alive.

   1:00 in the afternoon and no one is on xbox live? What do people have to do this early in the morning that's sooo important you can't play call of duty?

   That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

   A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

   The so called 'rapture' doesn't apply to me, mainly because I have more than half a brain and think the bible is the best story ever written, if only J K Rowling was about at least it would have had wizards in it!

   Beyonces new song is so horrible i'd rather hear Betty White & John McCain make sex noises.

   I think instead of the "Poke" button on Facebook there should be "Punch in the Face" button.

   WARNING: If you can read this, then you are too close to procrastinating.

   Someone should tell Palin that using the term "lamestream media" makes her sound like an '80's movie bully. But maybe I'm just a spazwad.

   I'm opening up a special school for b@#$tard maid babies, I'm calling it "The Oprah Winfrey School For Bas@#d Maid Babies"

   Maybe nows a good time to change my status from aethist to very religious and it's complicated.

   The term “nymphomaniac” has been shortened to “college girls”.

   Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools and idiots are on the same side.

   since the world is ending on saturday you should send pictures of your breasts now before it's too late.

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   hopes those of you who aren't funny are the first do go on saturday.

   Well Brittney you have two days left of dancing until the world ends...

   Why is that the world is always going to end on a weekend? Why not Monday morning, ideally before I have to get up and go to work?

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?