Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   R.I.P Ryan Dunn you will forever be remembered, as the guy who stuck a hot wheels up his ass on jackass

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   wondering if its ok to change the name of the event "naming ceremony" of a child to a "Product Launch"

   The moment you say you are too good for someone is the moment they know the reverse is actually true.

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   I say "Monday" like "Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   Ladies, always keep a V-8 in your car in case you're pulled over so you can pour it over your crotch & say "I need a tampon please let me go."

   You should worry less about hurting me and more about how you're hurting yourself by missing out on me.

   Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I !

   Yep, I didn't get any unwanted fathers day cards yesterday!!!! HAPPY MONDAY :D

   Good Morning America challenged everyone to remove any article of clothing they were wearing that wasn't made in America. I was shocked by the results, but not as shocked as the people standing around me in Best Buy.

   . You know you're a dad when you get a certified letter in the mail asking you to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show.

   I noticed today that my EX- Wifes' smart-phone is actually smarter then she is, come to think of it a pre paid walmart cell phone would be smarter then her too.

   Father's Day is the most confusing day in the Ghetto !!!

   "I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions of Use" should be called, "I didn't read the Terms and Conditions of Use but I want to access this sh*t!

   Tone Loc arrested for domestic violence, he shouldn't of drank that Funky Cold Medina!

   If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you my friend have no soul!

   I question the marketing department at car dealerships. Does anyone drive by and say "Look balloons! I gotta buy a car!"

   Rihanna sings about how chains and whips excite her. I wonder if her ancestors felt the same way!