Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, you simply need to walk away from people that weren't who you thought they were...or more importantly, who you wanted them to be.

   DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for things I may say or do in other people's dreams.

   ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ scratch and you can win free cats for life

   A sign outside a brothel… “Married men are not allowed, we are here to serve the needy not the greedy.”

   Good night this half of the world, good morning to the other half... and good sunny day people from Mercury!

   I'm going to get in shape, pear is a shape...right???

   ▒▒broke my spac▒ebar but ▒▒a▒▒ little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay….

   BREAKING NEWS: United States resumes not caring about soccer, looks forward to NFL Football in September

   I'm not one to brag, but I deserve a medal. I just rescued a piece of cake that was trapped in the refrigerator.

   I'm not saying she is nasty, but her astrological sign is Biohazard.

   A homeless man comes up to asking for change,I say"change comes from within" he looked stunned.

   dear yellow light. challenge accepted!

   as a true sports fan, and not picking sides the performance of the USA Women's Soccer Team is a BIG STFU to the all the male chauvinist people out there who don't like women's sports

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got Alzheimer's, cheese on toast.

   Americans think that the word Morons applies to them? C'mon guys don't think that about yourselves... That's for the rest of the world to do.

   I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush

   Likes cooking just to see how fast fire trucks can really go

   Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson are having a party tonight. Bring your duct tape and gloves for a killer time.

   Life is what you make it! Be careful what ingredients you add!

   Saw a magazine with two girls on it from the show Teen Mom that said "Teen Mom Ruined my life" REALLY?? I supposed the fact that you couldn't keep your panties on in the first place had NOTHING to do with it?