Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so hot, I just saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.

   They say milk gives you strength. Drink 3 glasses and move a wall. You can't. But drink 3 shots of vodka and see - the wall moves on its own! :p =D

   I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'

   so apparently Pearl Visions "Share the Pairs" event, isn't what you would think...

   hmm, not sure if the thermometer is laughing at me (lol) or if it actually says 101..

   I advise you not to mess with me.. I know karate, kung fu, taekwondo, judo, jujitsu, and 47 other dangerous words.

   Life is too short to remove the USB drive safely

   Miss Brazil was robbed at gunpoint. According to Witnesses It was a clean snatch

   Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee.

   Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   I just keyed 2+2=5 onto the hood of a Smart Car.

   Not being able to see the forest for the bears is a lot worse.

   Have you ever wondered why you can always read your doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription?

   If you're a size 0 we shouldn't be able to see you.

   If you want me to walk a mile in your shoes, you're going to have to buy the Dr. Scholls inner soles, ointments and powders

   Today is Moon Day and Ugly Truck Day. So if you own an Ugly Truck, please feel free to Moon people today, but for safety's sake please only do it at red lights.

   Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

   I follow my wife around with my XBox controller in my hand while she cooks and cleans, I call it SIM B*tch!!

   wondering if Les Miles thinks he should have taken that job at Michigan...

   I get to curse like a sailor because my mommy drinks like one