Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode" that way your drunk texts never leave your phone.

   I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. But guys, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to get the last word in didn't you?

   Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind her are her over opinionated friends so she gets bad advice and comes off sounding like a b!tch.

   Another sad news in the music industry, Justin Bieber was found in his apartment, ALIVE

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."

   next time a doctor tells you to cut your alcohol intake, tell them that wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, and beer is made from grain, cutting back on alcohol will reduce my 5-a-day!

   Whenever my girlfriend tells me to "be safe" everytime I walk out the door, that means that I need to carry condoms with me, right?

   Drunk is... Fumbling in the dark with a condom wrapper, only to discover you've been trying to open a packet of McDonald's ketchup for the last 15 minutes.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   We used a blow up doll for a raft one time. You should have seen the looks on the parents faces. It was awesome. Giddyup!

   What are the three fastest forms of communication? Television, telephone, tellawoman.

   How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with " a man once told me"

   All the memories of my ex fall under the "What was I thinking!!" catagory... just like the night I chased tequilla with vodka!

   If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   The heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA Finals...

   Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

   Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!

   Words. They can arouse. They can make you laugh, and make you cry. But if you find the one who can heal you with words, never let them go.